Hmmmm…. now there’s turning the tables 🙂
Evil Step “Daughters”, not Mothers, really??
Absolutely!! Currently, being both a Step Mom and a Step Daughter, also, with friends who are Step Daughters, I can tell you, there really can be a fine line here.
Women together at the best of times can make a royal mess of things. Kick it up a notch by putting them in a situation where they are vying for the love and attention of the same man, and you just might have a recipe for disaster…or not, all depending upon the women, and the Man involved.
The Husband, and the Dad, plays an integral role in the successful acclimation of his daughter(s) and new Wife, and how he chooses to command himself can indeed lend itself to the success or failure of this sometimes tricky relationship. That being said however, he cannot act alone.
It is also incumbent upon the women in this story to do their part, behave fairly and let love lead. Expecting communication funneled through Dear Old Dad to heal wounds or repair rifts is less than a band-aid solution, for, as soon as you think you might be safe to swim again, the band aid falls off in the water 🙂
Girls, there are two fundamentally different types and levels of love going on here. He loves you both, just differently. There is no competition, unless you create it. Dad didn’t set out thinking it’d be fun to pair the two of you up to see who fights the better fight. You were brought together because of Love.
You may not love one another, you may not even like each other, but you both have an important thing in common, and that is your love for the man who brought the two of you together. Honour Him by seeking to understand one another. Honour Him by giving it your best shot at civility. And honour Him by accepting the fact that he needs both of you in his life to be truly happy and act accordingly…OK 🙂
Thank You!!
SMR xo
Step Moms Rock! 
Posted by Brianna on May 17, 2010 at 11:22 am
I am jealous of my stepmom
Posted by Plain Jane xo on May 25, 2010 at 10:59 am
Oh Honey, jealousy is natural when there is someone else vying for the attention of someone we love. But, jealousy is also such a waste of time! What is it about her that you admire? Have you had the chance to talk to her about it at all? Or to your dad?
LA xo
Posted by Susan on July 12, 2010 at 8:31 pm
Well, you are wrong in that fathers don’t pit their wives aganist the daughters to see who fights the best fight,. Some do . Sometimes fathers feelso much guilt for divorcing the mother, they let the daughter walk all over the. It’s anything goes …The step daughter then runs with this ad makes it known she controls daddy..
So, a step mom being fair, honest, etcetc etc, doesn’t always work!
Posted by Plain Jane xo on July 14, 2010 at 10:07 pm
It’s always great to get a different opinion or scenario, so thanks for taking the time to comment. I do have to say however, that a different experience doesn’t make the other wrong. It is unfortunate that some dads will play the women in their lives against one another, thankfully, as a Step Mom and a Step Daughter I haven’t experienced that at all. I am grateful for the two men in my life that have made that happen and the 3 women who move in and out of eachother’s lives with ease and grace.
Posted by Susan on July 15, 2010 at 7:27 am
What I just had to do is set both husband and step daughter straight on things.After step daughter ruined my brand new leather recliner and stained our new couch, (this after only visiting for 24 hours), I couldn’t tolerate any more . I explained my expecations to both, I set rules, and told step daughter if she doesn’t follow she cannot visit. This should have been said to her by her father. But he didn’t have the courage or will to do.It was always easier to let me get upset verses speaking to his daughter about manners and rules while in our home. I will be surprised if step daughter uses manners and follows the rules .Most likely she will play victim.She is an only child ( mid 30’s) and is used to getting her way on everything and not being told no or you cannot do this or that.
Believe me, none of these acts are done by accident.It all is a plan. There are alot of emotions at play here- jelaousy is at the top.I understand it must be a bit difficult to see “dad” with a new wife.But a mature daughter should be able to handle properly verses acting like a 5 year old and destroying
things in retaliation, just to upset step mom. It is too bad fathers cannot discuss expectations at the onset of a new marriage.But either they don’t care or they lack the courage to do so.
I am sure many second marriages end in divorce becuase of the friction between the step people involved.
Posted by Plain Jane xo on July 15, 2010 at 10:28 pm
Good for you for standing your ground.It can be tough being between a dad and his daughter(s), I’ve lived through both sides of that. And jealousy does play a big part. At some point, with a bunch of luck and hope, your step daughter will realize that her dad is capable of different types of love and that the inclusion of you doesn’t mean the exclusion of her unless she wills it to be. Always stand firm, take the high road, love your husband and wear that SD of yours down with kindness. Love brought you into this situation, let love lead each and every day.
Best of luck to you and do write whenever you like.
LA xo
Posted by Susan on July 16, 2010 at 11:48 am
Thanks LA. I appreciate your comments. It helps to know there are others out there going through this situation. Your insight is great.
Take care
Susan
Posted by Plain Jane xo on July 17, 2010 at 9:14 am
All the best Susan and do write any time the need arises, I’m always here.
LA xo
Posted by Susan on July 17, 2010 at 11:00 am
Thanks Jane. Appreciate it. The step daughter, granddaughter and Son-in law finally left. Things very tense between stepdaughter and I. My husband and I are not speaking.
My son in law is great- very well mannered, and thanked me for caring for his daughter andf all.Step daughter, not a word of thanks.
I enjoyed having my step granddaughter visit, very much. However I will never go through this type of stress again.
Thanks for your support
Susan
Posted by Dawn on July 29, 2010 at 12:01 pm
Plain Jane I wish YOU were my step mother. My step mother and father have been married over 25 years, and she and I have yet to have a decent relationship. She was very immature when she moved in with him and so was I. I was14. She immediately made it well known she pleased him sexually to all our family. My paternal grandmother and I were embarrassed by it, but we held our tongues since he was happy. She lied to us about her background and smoked in hiding from my Dad and tried to get me to join her. I yelled at her to get out of my life since she barged in so unannounced after we met her on vacation. To say we started on the wrong foot is an understatement.
At 17 I was sent back to live with him while my Mom settled her divorce. He asked my step mother to move into a condo he would pay for while I was living with him since they were not married, and he thought he needed to provide a more respectable household for me for my senior year. That set her off and she accused me of trying to break them up. She became so enraged she cut him off and threatened to leave him until he married her. He picked me up at school one day to inform me they were being married that afternoon by a justice of the peace in the living room, and I was to move in with my maternal grandfather or paternal grandmother, whichever I chose for the remainder of the school year. I attended the wedding and congratulated them and went to live with my grandfather.
I am now 43. She has told me several times she “hates” me she doesn’t want me around, she doesn’t care about me. I have been told I need to apologize for trying to break them up when I was 17. Two years ago I told her I was sorry for whatever ills are between us for whatever reason, but she screamed at me to leave them alone, since they were “happy” and stormed out of our conversation. My Dad apologized for her after she left. He seems always apologetic to me, but very self absorbed.
Really I want nothing from them except a congenial relationship. I have nothing to do with them most of the time, but he is my Dad and I still love him unconditionally. I do not love her, but think I could for his sake if she would try to be friendly. But I am very hurt now. This really depresses me I can’t build a relationship with her since I have many friends. Some step mothers are mature enough to handle relationships with their step children, but alas everyone is different and sometimes you don’t get what you want.
Posted by Plain Jane xo on July 30, 2010 at 9:07 am
Dawn, your story breaks my heart! Sadly, this type of Step relationship is an all too common occurance. In the early stages of our Step Family, challenges were definitely had between me and my Step Daughters, as navigating the Dad/Daughter relationship can be a tricky one. I was very lucky to have had a couple things on my side going in…one was a Step Mom who had always recognized the fact that I was not a threat to her relationship and knew I just wanted my dad to be happy, and the other was/is the understanding that as humans we are capable of loving more than one person in more than one way. Early troubles in my own parent’s marriage showed me that there is a distinct difference between the marriage relationship and that of parent/child and that one can exist without the inclusion of the other.
You can do and say all the right things, but if one party is not willing nor able to process or accept different levels of love, then you will never be heard. The best you can do is to know that you’ve done your best and find a way to have a decent relationship with your Dad. It’s not easy, and not generally the way we would like to live our lives, but we still need to respect ourselves and our own principles and sometimes that does mean by letting go of relationships that can’t get to where they need to be.
As we also can’t force our own way of thinking upon another there does come the time when a line must be drawn in the sand and parameters set for the benefit and sanity of all involved. And in this process, you may find, that the lack of attention on the relationship you have with your Step Mom just may allow it to evolve into what it needs to be. But please don’t allow any of it to compromise the relationship you want to have with your Dad. Dollars to donuts, he’s wanting the exact same thing but just doesn’t know how to go about getting there. You need to be the bigger person, as it seems you have been all along and let the love you have for your Dad guide your way while letting all the other stuff fall into a deep deep puddle or lake 🙂
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your story. Please do stay in touch!
PJ xo xo xo
Posted by kentuckyhome on July 30, 2010 at 12:23 pm
Thanks Jane! Great advice and great comfort. You must be a great StepMom! I will take your advice. I will do what I can to stay close to my Dad when he’s around and let the rest of it go. I accept my part in the blame for those first years they were living together. My Dad and I are still close though he complains he doesn’t see me enough. I have a healthy marriage and three kids of my own that are my first priorities. My Dad is not close to them since they travel so much and have been away for much of my childrens’ lives. They love them, but aren’t ‘comfortable’ with them. We still have a Christmas party together that is fun but always awkward to the point of hilarity. One year they didn’t offer us even water to drink. We were all famished when we got out of there and laughing all the way to McDonalds.
Posted by Plain Jane xo on August 1, 2010 at 8:10 am
The great thing about having good marriages and families of our own is that we can create the home and relationships we wish we could have had ourselves in our own upbrining. Kudos to you for focusing on your own family while keeping the door open to possibility with your Dad.
Not being one for labels, I really didn’t ever set out to be a good “Step Mom”, just a good person who understands that divorce can be tough on kids and they need a soft place to land. This, however, did not take away the challenges we had early on, I was just lucky that we all chose to learn from those experiences and move on.
Be well and love lots 🙂
PJ xoxo
Posted by KW on December 6, 2010 at 8:23 am
I have a step daughter that I love, who is so jealous of me she has destroyed our relationship. I have been with my husband for 8 years and she was 9 when we got together. I adored her from the start, but when she realised we were dating she saw me as the enemy. I have tried over the years to show her I love her, and I have tried to show her that I want her to be in our life. I have written her letters suprised her with tickets to movies. I have taken her shopping, and I have spent so much time with her. I have encouraged her dad to spend more time with her when she is here also. She has continuosly lied about me. She accuses me of being mean to her. She says I will not let her dad talk to her. She says I beat her. She says I only cook food that she does not like. She says I talk bad about her mother. (Though I may think badly of her mom, and find it hard to not talk about her I don’t say anything about her mom to her.) She says I make her clean my house and baby sit while she is here.
The reality is I never make her do anything, because when I tried she would throw things, scream at me. So, since she was 12 I have not asked her to lift a finger in my home. I only told her to shower because she would go for a week at a time with out showering.
This year she was suppose to spend the summer with her dad, and after I spent 370.00 on her ticket out of my two older sons child support she decided on the day of her flight she wasn’t coming. She called her dad and they got into an arguement. Then she deleted both of us from her life for several months. I was so devistated. I wanted to see her so much. She is 17 and has told her dad to burn in hell he is nothing but a piece of shit for wanting to spend time with her for 6 weeks. She said he was selfish to expect her to leave her life for him. She and her mother blame me for this problem. Her mother accused me of harrassing her. I have had no contact with her, and I have made no attempt at contact since her dad and her got into the arguement, because they blame me for everything. The last time I spoke to her was a few days before this all happened. She was showing me her artwork over video confrencing.
Now after 6 months of pretending I don’t exist she has asked about me. I feel like all she wants is a Christmas present. I usually send her a huge package of cookies we make, fudge, and presents from all of the kids and us. Before me and my husband got together he did not do this. I feel like she will never love me, and I feel like I do not want try anymore. I am tired of the lies, and I am tired of the jealousy. I truely love her, but she has to be acountable for her actions.
I think a lot of this problem is created by her mother. Her mom is not very pretty, but my husband did love her. I think her mother thought he always would, but then he married me. She started telling him sorry for the thing she had done in their marriage. She has a problem with all of her ex’s wifes. She refused to talk to my husband about anything to do with his daughter not coming to see him. Her first response was an email complaining about me, and informing him that I had spent such and such amount to get their daughter a camera. It was like a little kid telling on someone.
Posted by armyguardwife on February 17, 2011 at 5:24 pm
I really enjoyed this post. My husband and I are curretnly not speaking to his daughter, and while mistakes were made in the past it seems that there has never been a sense of understanding and civility that is long lasting. In many ways I do not understand even the things that I did that have contributed to the problem. Anyway, blah blah blah…mostly this is awesome and most totally true everyone has to work together to make the goal work and this makes a lot of sense and should be something that ALL step mother and daughters practice. Thanks for the post!!!
Posted by kentuckyhome on February 21, 2011 at 3:41 pm
KW I understand your frustration and you and your husband have every right to draw the line when your step daughter disrespects your household and your feelings. Her father must have been very hurt by her tirade last summer and he should have the right to tell her so. Some words are hard to take time to forget. She is in the throws of being a teenager and is very self centered. She may come around someday and realize she has messed up. But until she grows up, don’t spend your child support money on her plane tickets. Her mother and father should not expect that of you. There is nothing more beautiful than a marriage that works. It sounds like you and your husband have created a loving home for your family with some great traditions. Don’t give up on her loving you though. With the right kind of loving guidance she will learn from her mistakes and come to love and respect her family.
Posted by Sweetiepie on May 13, 2011 at 3:37 am
Wow this hits so close to home ladies! So I have a 5 year old SD, I have been in her life since she was 8 months old. Her mother has tried everything she could to break up hubby & I, she would send me threatening text messages 30-50 a day, saying I was ruining her family even though their relationship was over long before I came into the picture. She came up to my work threatening me & cussing at me then went outside & keyed my car. I refuse to have contact with her, I do not surround myself with people like that, however I love my hubby very much. We’ve been through a lot with her but she finally gave hubby primary custody, so she can go party & find old men to take care of her. She was with a 65 year old a year ago. She has no morals no manners, is a really disgusting person, doesn’t deserve the title of being a mother. So now hubby & I have another little girl of our own, 9 months. My world revolves around her, we have so much fun! However our family is suffering big time. My step daughter is constantly telling her mother that I am mean to her & she hates me. So BM is then constantly complaint to hubby about how her daughter wants to come live with her & threatening him etc. Her mother let’s her run wild, never taught her manners, never told her to not climb all over the furniture, never told her not to run out in the street, never told her to not talk while others are talking etc. She has been in trouble a lot in school for talking while the teacher is talking. I will not raise my daughter in a house where she sees kids running wild, she will try to do the same. So now that I am setting boundaries it’s making her whine & complain that I am mean to her so she cries to her mother. She complains about taking a bath, doing her hair (her mother barely bathes her, never puts her hair up & looks like a mess everytime she comes home, always dirty, bruised or cut & ruins every outfit she wears over there) that she has to eat, all she wants to eat are cookies & candy. Since I have started interfering I have heard nothing but nice things from the school she’s attending, they told me how different she is & how well mannered & respectful she is. I have 2 nieces & have always taught Sunday school at church, I love kids & have been around them all my life. I have never met one who didn’t like me until now. Things that seem like common sense to me like giving her a bath then putting her to bed, actually giving her a set bed time makes hubby & her BM think that’s mean. I really didn’t start interfering until I got pregnant & because I got so tired of her getting up every 10 mins after I had put her to bed, coming into the living room asking her daddy when he was going to come lay with her until about 11pm every night. Hubby is having a hard time with the change too because all he hears from his ex is that his daughter tells her how much she hates me & hates it here. Which a lot of this is the mother constantly telling her daughter to hate me then telling hubby lies or making it worse than it already is. Her mother never gave her rules/boundaries & neither did hubby. I ask step daughter if she’s telling her mother these things & she says no, I try to explain to her that I know she’s a good kid & I care about her & just want the best for her, it’s not me being mean. She really is a good kid, she does have her bad days & they are usually the days she gets back from her moms. It’s just hubby thinks that I am too hard on her because he would rather not discipline her so she won’t eventually go live with her mother. I try to tell him he can’t live in fear like that & that it’s for step daughters own good to have boundaries. I am just so scared to raise my child in this household when it seems like my opinion doesn’t matter. Most of the time it seems like whatever step daughter wants to do is what goes & if I try to punish her he takes her right out of time out & babies her. He gets mad at me for it. I try to tell him we need to be united in front of the kids but he just gets mad about everything that I do if it involves her. I’m tired of fighting about a kid who doesn’t appreciate me. I hate that it’s affecting my daughters life & hubby doesn’t see it. Hubby said he won’t go to counseling & just thinks our relationship won’t last if it keeps this up. I hate to think that cause I really do love him & I want to be a family but he won’t compromise with me about anything. I try to give him options but he just tells me he doesn’t like the way I do things. Hubby & BM make me think that I’m the crazy one when I’m just here trying to raise our family & make us happy! Sorry this is so long I just don’t know what to do. Please I will take any advice I can get!!! Thanks!!!!
Posted by Plain Jane xo on May 16, 2011 at 4:57 am
Goodness, you are in a pickle. It is so very difficult to meld families when you know what’s right and no one will support you. This is when you have to pull out all the stops but, then let the pieces fall where they may.
Your husband and his daughter have some choices to make based on the realities of your lives together as a family, yet, you cannot allow their choices to compromise the way inwhich you would like to raise your daughter. It’s tough sticking to your guns, but the compromises you would have to make to keep everyone else happy could be even tougher in the long run.
Your husband needs to be realistic with his daughter and fully understand how his actions are going to affect everyone’s future. But, you can’t nag him about it all or he will become resentful and your marriage will suffer. Relationship management walks a fine line in these step relationships and can cause huge fractures in a family when left to fester. As hard as it might seem and feel, the best you can do is be honest, tell your husband and his daughter how you are feeling and how you would like your family to function and then help them make the changes they need to. And, truth be told, there might be a few things you need to look at differently as well. We can’t heap all the blame elsewhere without being willing to turn the microscope on ourselves as well.
It’s tough, but this type of thing is at the core of your role as the wife of a man with kids that came before you. You need to be the change or all the stuff that is causing issue will continue to cause issue, and you’ll have a hard time maintaining your own balance and to do what’s right for your daughter.
If you haven’t already read Step Monster by Wednesday Martin, you may want to pick up a copy, it is insightful and uber realistic about the role a Step Mom plays in a Step Daughter’s life.
Be well and be happy!!
PJ xoxo
Posted by Bonnie Stites on May 13, 2011 at 9:49 pm
I bet you have not seen a case like mine yet, I am dealing with a lady that was married to another man 19 years ago, but yet tagged my husband as her child’s father… even though, in the state of Michigan the law reads…. that if you are married. You can not pronounce the child to belong to someone else. She lied about so many things including when and who gave her a divorce… (it looks like. her then husband was in on the whole thing. She could not collect child support from my husband, because of the legalities of the whole situation. Right now she tries to create ca oz in my husband and my life and always tells me that he might be poor, but he has a lot of assets…. like crow waiting for him to pass on!
I was not married to my husband at the time, but I have had six years of reef Raff….
Posted by Plain Jane xo on May 16, 2011 at 5:01 am
That is indeed a unique situation and one I have no point of reference to comment from, except to say… Women! Sometimes there are those out there whose actions really give the rest of us a bad rep and it gets tiresome.
This is the type of situation that makes me turn to people like the Dalai Lama and Mother Teresa for insight and inspiration and the strength to work from a place of compassion, because, left to my own devises, I would fail miserably.
I wish you all the best and hope you can find solace somewhere to help guide you through these tough times.
PJ xoxo
Posted by Bonnie Stites on May 17, 2011 at 6:48 am
Thank you, for all your help…. this week-end things kind of came to a head here… it did fester up! To the point that my step-daughter wrote her dad a letter and told him that she was afraid of me. That she was going to a counselor at Church, she told Terry that she knew that we were very happy and she was happy for him, but as long as he was married to me she would no longer seek a relationship with him. No calling no conversation…. no nothing! There are no winners here! Terry and I are doing well, for three days the stress load has been going down and there is no longer a elephant in the room! I don’t believe her letter…. to many lies have been told! But if changes are happening, all I can do is Praise the Lord! We are simple farmers’, we farm the land. Dirt poor and humble. To go to a ball game and to say, “Hi”, to a child, and have her not say, “Hi!” back. (She would act ashamed of us) Then she goes to college…. bad mouth us when ever, behind backs or to our face…. to call you and say… Why would you live in that old trailer with Terry, my suppose to be dad, in that old trailer, you must be crazy. And then she takes her rich friends up the hill to look at three lakes that you can see on the farm! Is really upsetting! I think we will sale the farm and have a good retirement…. and that will be that!
Again Thanks a million
Bonnie
Posted by Plain Jane xo on May 25, 2011 at 11:01 am
Hey Bonnie… just keep focusing on what’s best for you and your husband. Your Step Daughter is old enough to make her own choices and suffer the consequences thereof. I know it’s tough sometimes, but the high road is a great path to travel, so don’t let her get the better of you!
Do keep in touch and let me know how you’re doing!
PJ xoxo
Posted by Katie on May 25, 2011 at 6:34 am
Well Jane I found your blog while searching for someway to help my daughter who is going thru an awful step mom crisis! Our story is a little different in that her husband raised his daughter alone and she is now a teen. My daughter also has a daughter and the 2 girls were friends before their parents married. The situation has gotten worse over the 3 years they have been married instead of better. Now the 2 girls team up against my daughter and she feels like it is destroying her relationship with her own daughter. She has always done everything in her power to make her stepdaughter feel accepted.Things started ok at first and then all of a sudden the biological mom wanted to get in the picture. where before she hardly hasd anything at all to do with her daughter it’s like now that he remarried all of a sudden she wants to act interested in her daughters life. She has not been involved at all for all these years. That really started the trouble because the stepdaughter would go to her mom’s and come back a little tyrant!! The Dad handels no discipline at all so she is really out of control. He sides with his daughter in front of my daughter on silly things!! Now she plays the mom the dad and the step mom all against each other. There is no set times that she comes and goes between houses. When she gets mad at one parent or doesn’t get what she wants then she takes off to the other parents house and they allow her to do it. She recently lied and told her Mom that my daughter was abusing her when that was totally not so!! The Dept of childrens services came knocking on my daughters door one day and filed a report and everything and then the truth came out that the stepdaughter had made the story up. well the DCS people said they would retract the report only after the dad made a counseling apt. for the daughter. can you believe my daughter begged him for over 3 months before he made that appointment. my daughter is just giving up. I see her withdrawing more and more every day and the stepdaughter has had such a negative influence over my grandaughter. My daughter is so depressed every day and doesn’t even want to get out of bed. She feels defeated and i don’t know how to help her. It’s breaking my heart!! She said she just get’s sick walking around on pins and needles and never knowing when the stepdaughter will be at their house and for how long. When it’s just her and my grandaughter and the husband they have a great life and my grandaughter loves her stepdad. But my daughter says what happens is if she tries to discipline his daughter number one he blows it off and says she is just making a big deal out of nothing and then he takes it out on my grandaughter and witholds affection from her. my daughter cannot stand for that to happen so she continues to tiptoe around while her stepdaughter is calling all the shots!! Please I know this is so long but could some of you tell me what to do to help this family!! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!! Signed, HELPLESS!!
Posted by Plain Jane xo on May 25, 2011 at 10:56 am
Hey Katie, My heart just breaks for your daughter and granddaughter. I know that feeling of defeat well, but luckily for me, my husband was well aware of some of the antics of our BM and one of his children. He fully realized what was going on and we did the best we could to get through it all. We even had to ban one of the Skids from our home a couple of times because of her behaviour. A Psychologist friend of mine has a great line, “Just because the behaviour is understandable does not mean it’s acceptable”. I kept this as my mantra through all the tough times we went through and it helped me to stand strong and fight the good fight. Your daughter is in a tough spot if she isn’t getting the support she needs from her husband. Sadly, we enter into these situations for love, and then sometimes love just is not enough. With her own biological child in the mix, your daughter needs to make sure that her own needs and the needs of her daughter are being met first and foremost and then have some conversations with her husband from there. We can never take responsibility for the actions of others but, we can make sure that at the end of the day, we’ve done everything we can to remedy a situtaion…. and then, we make plans and move on from there. The best you can do for your daughter is to let her know you are there for her no matter what she may decide about her future. Often, Step Moms can feel a tremendous amount of guilt when they feel their marriage or a situaiton with a Skid or Biomom is getting the better of them. There seems to be some unwritten law that Step Moms need to be Super Human and infalliable, but that is just not the case, and sometimes, all we need is to be told that it’s OK and to let go of the guilt. We are only human afterall, human, but with some great and often unreasonable expecations and demands of us. A voice of reason through that fog can be a saving grace, so if you can manage to be a vision of light and compassion, that may just help her see her way through.
These situations can be so challenging and although there is always a ton of focus and care for the kids, Step Moms can fall by the wayside, because we’re adults, but that philosophy can also be ruinous, as Moms or Step Moms equally, need to take care of ourselves first to then be able to take good care of others.
Hope this has helped even just a smidge.
All the best,
PJ xoxo
Posted by Bonnie Stites on May 25, 2011 at 11:52 am
Katie…
I have to tell you, I really feel for your daughter and granddaughter. I would never had made it through my grief, without my husband Terry. He just told Sam…. she had her own life. Now at 4:45 two to three times a week I get a email telling me not to contact her!, but I have not been contacting her…. every time I get one I show to Terry and then, he watches me delete it, I have no contact, just frustration! Terry too! I just hope and pray your daughter finds some support with her man, not just in God… God is awesome, the marriage is suppose to through thick and thin and for better or worse!
Warmest Regards & again I thank you PJ.
Bonnie
Posted by EB on September 15, 2011 at 11:21 am
Great Blog. I’m sitting in my bedroom hiding out from my step son, 31 who is visiting his father, my husband. After 16 years you would think that things would be happier but as I write this I realize that changing my expectations has been some what of a tiny miracle. At least I’ve stopped trying to force a solution; acing like I love him, I actually do but I really don’t care for his understandable but not acceptable (love that one) behavior. I am in here not feeling trapped rather, taking care of myself googleing “Step Mom Stress” on the computer and reading this cool blog instead of trying to change a dynamic that I didn’t Cause, Can’t Cure and Can’t Control. (3 C’s). Thanks for the support. Best, EB.
Posted by Plain Jane xo on November 21, 2011 at 4:41 pm
Great to hear from you EB. And kudos for you for taking some time for yourself. Love your 3C’s, that’s a mantra a lot of Step Moms could do well to adopt.
Be well and be happy!
PJ xoxo
Posted by Randy on January 7, 2012 at 10:03 am
Hello, I am a step mother to an 11 year old girl. Its a pretty long story, but I’ll try my best to shorten it….
He was married very young and had his daughter soon after. His now ex wife then got pregnant with their second child. It turned out that she had been cheating on him and the second baby was not his. He found this out when he discovered that she was cheating and filed for divorce, then had a paternity test done to establish child support. He was crushed, because he loved her very much and the second baby was a boy. He met another woman, and she played him too. The girlfriend was terrible to him, cheated on him, stole money, credit cards, and had his property’s ownership changed while he was heavily medicated for bipolar and depression. She was horrible to his daughter and verbally abused her. He ended the reltionship after five years of hell. A couple years later he met me. I have never been married and I never wanted children beforehand. We dated and then slowly fell in love, because I had just ended a seven year relationship with a man who used to beat me… I wanted to take things very slowly. We got married a year after we met, he proposed to me and for the first time in my life I felt very sure of getting married. Anyhow, He wants me to have a relationship with his daughter. My Father in law plays a key role, because he is meddlesome and forces interactions between me and my Step Daughter. I explained to my father in law, that I don’t want to force anything, that if she wants to talk to me, then I will be there open to her friendship, but she often rejects me and acts like I am her father’s verbally abusive ex girlfriend, when I have done nothing to hurt her. My Step daughter spends almost everyday at her grandparen’ts house. My Father in law spoils her so much and gives her everything she wants. He does this out of pity because her parent’s split up. I think it a recipe for disaster. Her mother remarried and she tells everyone that her step father is mean. I told my husband that I don’t want to every be labled “mean” so I preffer that she not visit us. She is extremely spoiled. The last time we visited my inlaws, she did little things to annoy me on purpose. I had much patience, but when she was trying to force me to move over and let her cook in the kitchen, like If I was the child, it pissed me off. I quietly went into the guest room, and sulked. When I re-appeared she was happy to see me so stressed. It was like she had won a game. I told her father that I am paying the price for his ex-girlfriends mistakes, and It was not fair that I had to put up with his daughters little mind games.
Posted by Nat on April 14, 2012 at 7:43 am
Hi, I truly have the worst step-daughter in the world. She has embarrassed our family many times. My husband is so laid back he has never disciplined her or spent much time with her. After having three kids unwed, and committing an unspeakable crime she has decided to get married to a man who now has 7 kids. He supports none of them financially. I have helped buy the 3 kids clothes, toys, and food. I have taken vacation time from work to, ” give her a break from them.” She has never once called me on my birthday or sent a Christmas card. She once told me after buying school supplies and clothing for my step-granddaughter that she would send me a school picture but doesn’t ” want to waste a stamp.” I have always overlooked her selfishness and strange behavior, but have found myself after 24 years sick and tired. I cannot even go into detail of the way she has treated me because it hurts too much. She has now decided to get married and was calling everyday for needs. I have decided to stop doing for her and the step grandkids because I feel this is a viscous cycle that will never stop. I know the oldest granddaughter may have felt the impact of this because she sent me a letter with a list of items she wanted me to buy her. she doesnt call or text me, she’s 9yrs old she wrote the letter with a stamped envelope that I gave her to keep in contact. The step daughter of course is now outraged and doesn’t understand why I have stopped giving and providing. Again my husband is extremely laid back and speaks only briefly to her because of her behavior he doesn’t know how to deal with her. Am I wrong? To stop giving and caring. I feel now like it’s me or them if I continue to be used and disrespected I get so depressed I feel sick. I actually ended up in the hospital with stress. I cannot worry about them anymore. I don’t want a divorce but sometimes feel like it’s too much with her in my life I mentally and physically can’t help them anymore. I have decided this. What can I do to feel better about my choice to avoid them? The last time I spent with my stepgrandaughter she told me,” I don’t even care anything about you I only came her so you could buy me stuff.” it hurt and I can’t let that go. I feel like it will continue unless I change myself.