First Comes Love…

When first entertaining the idea of becoming a part of a family already in progress, outside of familial input, and please note the word input and NOT support…. I was lucky enough to have received guidance and support from two men I adored and respected.

One, a handsome and engaging former school teacher turned psychologist and the other a teddy bear of a University Professor and highly respected expert in his field. Pretty good dream team of support if I must say so myself!

 The advice and insights they provided however were almost diametrically opposed and now, soon approaching 10 years of being ensconced within this family unit of mine, I finally understand why….

My Professor friend was pro “It’s all about the kids” while my Psychologist friend was pro “It’s gotta be about you”.

The Professor proudly professed… “If it doesn’t work for the kids, it doesn’t work for anybody.” 

The Psychologist calmly proclaimed…”No one would blame you if you walked away.”

I have fallen into the “It’s gotta be about you” camp to be sure. Mostly because, at the end of the day, the reason I am where I am is because of another fall I took… falling deeply in love with the man who had the kids from another marriage. The kids that had a mom and a family and relationships that were separate from the new relationship I began with their Dad.

And so, I can now see, out of the drama of the early stages and battles of the mid stages, in the later and calmer stages of this melting pot of pain, anguish, fulfilment and love… First comes love…

Always First needs to be our love of one another and ourselves. Always first needs to be the reason we were brought together in the first place. Always first needs to be the relationship that will sustain us as we grow old…together.

Ignoring that which came first for the benefit of what the kids need or want will end in disaster as the needs and wants become greater and the potential of satisfying them becomes thinner. Building a strong core and foundation based on the love that brought you together in the first place is the only way to maintain a united front and quite frankly, your sanity.

Not only did I allow the needs of everyone around me to come before my own, but I also allowed the opinions of others to compromise my own sense of self and self worth…in other words, my love for myself took a big hit in those early years, hits I am still recovering from to this day. The lesson: It truly is not our job to make things right for everyone else. It is our job to strive to do the right thing and then allow all the pieces to fall into place based on the decisions everyone else makes for themselves… including those kids!

Now, after  a lovely weight gain of over 40 pounds and more new hairstyles than I can count on both hands,I can quite proudly say that in the midst of some huge changes our lives have undergone over the past few years, we and most importantly I have reached an important turning point. Love is coming First. Love and the creation of a lifestyle that will work for my husband and myself as we now navigate what our lives will look like together going forward. Hopeful of course that the skids will find the path that leads home to us while out there trudging their own trenches and creating their own vibrant futures.

Finally, peaceful coexistence… internally and externally, and all because… First Comes Love !!

Thank Dog!!

PJ xoxoxoxo

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2 responses to this post.

  1. very good words of advice and encouragement!We as women ,especially stepmoms tend to put everyone else above ourselves.We need to take care of ourselves and treat ourselves special.I am blessed to have a husband who treats me special and reminds me often what I do as a stepmom means alot to him.Please check out my blog. I am trying to get noticed-love followers.http://stepmomjourneys.blogspot.com

    Reply

  2. Posted by Liv on June 25, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    I am not a step mother, but I am dating a man with children. Two, a boy and a girl. Both are younger than six. My man is 32 and I am 24. I know he is meant for me, he is the one. My one and only, we laugh, we joke, and we are so great together it is almost hard to fathom that we had not met before. I do not mind the children, I haven’t met them. He has stated that I am the one, that the first marriage wasn’t right and this relationship is so different. So fun, so very unique to him. I am not one to have children, no desire to be pregnant. He already has children and I think it is great. I have never been the mother type, but now he talks about marriage and the reality of “Step Mother” is coming into focus. I love Chad with every ounce of my being and will fight for him until the end of time and then some. I want to think you, because everything I have read is telling me to get out while I can. I can’t leave, he is just too right for me. So thank you for the support, and all the wonderful writings. You’re an amazing woman.

    Reply

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