“ I believe that you are great,

That there’s something magnificent about you.

Regardless of what has happened to you in your life.

Regardless of how young or old you think you might be.

The moment you begin to think properly,

This something that’s within you,

This power that’s in you that’s greater than the world,

It will begin to emerge!

It will take over your life.

It will feed you.

It will clothe you.

It will guide you, protect you, direct you, sustain your very existence…..

If You Let IT!!

Now that is what I know for sure.”   Michael Beckwith www.agapelive.com

Just a little power note for all my Step Mom peers as we head on in to the Holiday Season. Believe  you are great each and every day and on the flip side of this tough, tough time of year, you’ll look back and just laugh at how easy it was for you to breeze through all the stress and turmoil that’s bound to ensue.

Cheers to you all!

Peace and Love,

PJ xoxo

In the first home my husband and I shared together, I did believe this would be our bedroom until I came home one day to find my Step Daughter stretched across the bed chatting with her Dad. I’m sure this may have happened in their original home, but man, was I not going to stand for it in mine.

Married or otherwise, my bedroom has always been a sacred space for me. I am one of those people who chooses to set up my bedroom first when moving into a new home, knowing that at the end, middle or beginning of the day, I will have that space to come home to, retreat to and wake up to.

Your space need not be your bedroom, but creating YOUR space is indeed a necessity…even if it’s just yours for a part of the day and it is understood that there will be no interruptions or knocks on the door.

After discovering my Step Daughter in the bedroom I shared with my husband, in the home that was OUR primary residence, that my hard-earned money was going to pay for, I didn’t immediately react but instead waited for the time after they had all gone home to say…”Hey buddy, that wasn’t cool.” You see, we had talked about the bedroom just being our place. I really didn’t care if the kids ran roughshod over the rest of the house, I just wanted the boundary drawn at the door to our room and really didn’t think that was a lot to ask.

And in typical male fashion his response was “Oh yeah I forgot”. This reminded me that not every incident within my new family dynamic was created deliberately or to hurt me, but could just happen as a result of the sometimes unreliable mechanics of the male mind. Just the same as forgetting to buy milk at the grocery store, these guys can forget some of our requests as well and every now and then, although we’d like to rip a strip off them because they usually deserve it, we really do need to cut them some slack

Doesn’t mean you let yourself get run all over, just means you stop and think about how the situation may have occurred before the beheading happens.

Find it, decorate it, protect it and revel in it. That sacred space you establish in your home, your own little corner of the Universe will come in handy more often than not

Happy Building!!

PJ xo

On June 30th, my younger and only brother was tragically killed in a car accident and it was my life long love for him that carried me through some really trying times. Not only with my own grief, which is still the first thing I think about every morning when I awake, but also in the face of great adversity with some less than savoury extended family members. Almost like a sixth sense, love kicked in and allowed me to move through and past the demands of less than rational minds and crazy surges in emotions.

This journey has been eerily similar to the path I have travelled in Step-dom, with disappointment in people and disbelief at pettiness rife for the taking. But but but but but, love still reigned supreme. As I traversed each heart wrenching day, focusing only on my brother, much as I have focused on my love for my husband, allowed me the tunnel vision necessary to rise above all the crap and do what was right.

And so, I implore you, in Step-dom and in life, hold on tight to love for it is the true and great and only route to happiness and self fulfillment.

Be well and be happy, hug your siblings and love your husbands!!

PJ xoxoxoxo

You become you again, your marriage takes priority again and your Skids, well, they turn into adults, living their lives on their own terms and the beauty of bearing witness to that is immeasurable.

I have been thinking lately that maybe, as we go through the day-to-day drudgery and hurt that can be part of life in a Step Family, we give too much power to the drama, take it too personally and add fuel to a flame that would be better left alone. I have come to the conclusion that some of that just might be true.

We can’t be blamed for it, it’s a natural knee jerk reaction to being thrown to the wolves But, it does end. And if knowing this going in can help you keep perspective as life as you knew it spins completely out of control then I truly hope you take this bit of information to heart.

Almost daily now, I get to revel in the change. In the evolution of my own Step Family from moments of terrifying high drama to what has now become a peaceful and welcoming coexistence. Does that take any of the pain from the past 10 years way? Nope, it doesn’t. But it does validate the belief I had all along that the day would come when the tide would change and things would find their groove.

And it did… in a quiet way, at the dinner table this past Good Friday as each of my Skids sat at our table, partners by their sides…and then, they went home…home to their own lives that we now just have an auxiliary role in.

And, it was beautiful! As the house was quiet later in the evening, as my husband and I crawled into bed together after a long and fun day, I had the most amazing inner celebration happening that I can ever remember experiencing.

So, if you are out there, stripped bare and vulnerable, wondering why you ever got yourself into this in the first place… it’s for that moment, and that moment will come. In some unpredictable way, it will just happen, and your life will naturally alter itself to your new reality, your new rhythm and every single moment, tear and dread will validate itself.

In the meantime, be strong and be fair; be open and be honest; love with all that you have and take the time you need for yourself.

Cheers to your “AHA” moment!!

PJ xoxo

Of course at this point it is just my husband and me under the same roof, but I have found that the principle can be extended to all manner of relationship, and can indeed be something for Step Moms to add into their Survival Kits.

Although the purveyor of Windows and Walls Shirley Glass passed away in 2003, her words and theory still ring true in her absence.

When I started to look at my life, all things in my life and measured it all by what should be behind windows and what should be behind walls, clarity ensued, and a greater bond between my husband and myself was also a beautiful surprise.

It makes perfect sense, and also the perfect fall back for a Step Mom who may sometimes struggle with how much of her life is now, no pun intended, under glass. I have often just used the key words windows and walls with my husband to bring focus back to the special-ness of our relationship, and the contents of which require safe keeping.

Sometimes, the re-married spouse tends to want to justify things to the children of the previous marriage, not really realizing how it may compromise the new union. Sometimes, the “stuff” of the new marriage just plain isn’t any of their business. Period.

Marrying into a family in progress doesn’t mean you’ve given tacit agreement to having your skivvies strung out on the line whenever someone feels the urge.

You have the right to privacy in your relationship, to a little secrecy that keeps things special between you and your husband. Adopt the Windows and Walls mantra and let that freedom reign supreme.

Love and hugs,

PJ xoxoxoxo

Have you found that in becoming a new Step Mom you have also taken on the characteristics of a pheasant under glass? All of a sudden every single solitary move you make seems to be under a microscope and meticulously dissected by everyone you know and tons of those you don’t:)

The way you wear your hair, do the dishes, clean the tub, sort the laundry, cut the grass, cook, spend money, go on vacation, dust…. where you work, who your friends are, and on and on it goes. All those life choices that you have been so proud of making, the accomplishments you secretly coveted, are now fodder for the rank and file of your new expanded family.

So what the heck is a girl to do?

CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK!!!!!

No one else is going to. Sometimes even that fine piece of manliness you married is going to be challenged and rendered useless when faced with the ridiculousness of the actions of others, those he’s been related to all his life, because Step Families are game changers!

So, you have to stand strong and find ways to:

• Cut Yourself Some Slack.
• Go Easy on Yourself.
• Take A Powder from time to time.
• Travel on The High Road.
• HIDE

In all seriousness though, you really do need to learn how to recognize and honour those times when it’s more important to be true to you than to do what everyone else thinks you should. And you need to do it in a Big Big way… or whatever way you choose, but Just Do It!

Beg out of a party you know will cause you too much discomfort. Talk to your husband and help him to understand, that’s the relationship you need to worry about the most at the end of the day. The in-laws or the Skids aren’t going to cuddle you at the end of the day, and neither will hubs if you turn into a grumpy old bear because you felt forced to do something you didn’t want to.

Conversely, do the same for the rest of your Step Family. You’re not all going to want to play the Brady Bunch big happy family 24/7, so allow everyone an exit strategy… like the chicken exits they have at Disney on some of the more adventurous rides

Find alternatives for yourself and for others as well so both you and they don’t have to feel bad or guilty when something comes up any of you just aren’t really crazy about.

But Most Of All, and Above All Else… Do it for yourself. A Strong and Happy you is not only better for you, but better for everyone you know and love. We sometimes think that being Super Woman Step Mom is the sure way to impress the masses… please, reverse that thinking, Cut Yourself Some Slack, Ban Guilt, be the best Plain Jane, Sassy Susan or Buxom Brenda you can be, and be it for yourself.

Cheers and Much Luv,

PJ, xoxo

Here goes…

(There are benefits to recording your relaxation practise if you have the equipment to do so…the playback of guided instruction in your own soothing voice is just one of them.)

Lie down on a comfortable surface, on your back, with your arms at your sides.

Make yourself as comfortable as you can. Wiggle into the surface until you’re perfectly comfy.

Be aware of the surface beneath you…and of the contact your body is making with it…awareness is key during this entire practise.

Allow your body to sink into the surface…and breathe…big deep belly breaths.

Become aware of your abdomen as you breathe in and out, focus on the rising and falling

~ feel the rhythm of your body.

Once you have given over to the rhythm, while breathing in, bring your awareness to your eyes…as you breathe out, allow your eyes to relax…to sink back into your head…as you breathe in let go of all the tension around your eyes, relaxing all the tiny muscles…breathe out and visualize paradise and all the beautiful colours of the ocean, sand and palm trees….breathe in, keeping that picture in your mind while you allow your eyes to rest… breathe out ….

Continue to feel the rhythm of your breathing….

Breathe in and now bring your awareness to your mouth. While breathing out, allow your mouth to relax, releasing any tension….breathe in and allow a gentle smile to grace your lips, like a beautiful young bud just about to blossom…breathe out and feel the smile’s tautness in your cheeks, in your jaw and in your throat…breathe in, relax, and breathe out…feeling the peace and joy in your face… relax in happiness….

Breathe in and become aware of your shoulders….breathing out, allow your shoulders to relax, sinking even deeper into the surface… breathing in, allow the surface to accept the tension in your shoulders…breathing out, feel your tension free shoulders relax even further into the surface that supports them….breathe in….breathe out…breathe in, deep, deep belly breaths…and breathe out….

Breathing in, bring your awareness to your arms. As you breathe out, allow your arms to relax into the surface, feeling the full weight of each arm as it relaxes…breathing in, become aware of you upper arms…..breathe out…breathing in make tight fists with your hands, squeeze ….breathing out, release the fists and feel the tension in your arms release….breathe in feeling tension free…breathe out feeling relaxed and strong…..

Breathing in, focus on your heart….breathing out, allow your heart to relax…breathing in, feel the rhythm of your beating heart …breathing out, release the tension around your heart….the heart that works so hard for you day and night….breathe in….breathing out….breathe in…..and breathe out…breathe in …and breathe out…deep belly breaths….

Feel the rhythm of your breathing for a while…just float…when you are ready…..

As you breathe in bring your awareness to your legs. Breathing out, allow your legs to relax and sink into the surface….breathing in, release all the tension in your legs….move through your thighs… breathing out, relax your knees…breathe in and release the tension in your calves…breathe out and relax your ankles…breathe in and wiggle your toes, flex your feet to relax your feet and toes…breathe in….breathe out….breathe in…breathe out….

Feel the lightness of your whole body…imagine you are floating on water….nowhere to go….nothing to do….breathe the fresh air into your lungs…breathe stress out…listen to the soft music in the background….breathe in…breathe out….feel the lightness of your body…imagine you are floating on water….nowhere to go…nothing to do….be grateful for this peace…be grateful for your breath….

Bringing your awareness back to your breathing…start to stretch your good body….breathe and become aware of your legs…give them a little stretch….breathe and become aware of your arms….raise and then lower them….breathe and become aware of your shoulders…give them a little shrug….breathe and become aware of your head, moving it from side to side….

Breathe and when you are ready, sit up slowly, feeling your relaxation…breathe and when you are ready, stand up slowly, being sure to stretch and feel the loss of tension in your limbs…breathe and stretch….breathe and stretch….feeling grateful for all that you are and all that there is….

Repeat often

Enjoy your little bit of peace and quiet.

PJ xoxo

One, a handsome and engaging former school teacher turned psychologist and the other a teddy bear of a University Professor and highly respected expert in his field. Pretty good dream team of support if I must say so myself!

 The advice and insights they provided however were almost diametrically opposed and now, soon approaching 10 years of being ensconced within this family unit of mine, I finally understand why….

My Professor friend was pro “It’s all about the kids” while my Psychologist friend was pro “It’s gotta be about you”.

The Professor proudly professed… “If it doesn’t work for the kids, it doesn’t work for anybody.” 

The Psychologist calmly proclaimed…”No one would blame you if you walked away.”

I have fallen into the “It’s gotta be about you” camp to be sure. Mostly because, at the end of the day, the reason I am where I am is because of another fall I took… falling deeply in love with the man who had the kids from another marriage. The kids that had a mom and a family and relationships that were separate from the new relationship I began with their Dad.

And so, I can now see, out of the drama of the early stages and battles of the mid stages, in the later and calmer stages of this melting pot of pain, anguish, fulfilment and love… First comes love…

Always First needs to be our love of one another and ourselves. Always first needs to be the reason we were brought together in the first place. Always first needs to be the relationship that will sustain us as we grow old…together.

Ignoring that which came first for the benefit of what the kids need or want will end in disaster as the needs and wants become greater and the potential of satisfying them becomes thinner. Building a strong core and foundation based on the love that brought you together in the first place is the only way to maintain a united front and quite frankly, your sanity.

Not only did I allow the needs of everyone around me to come before my own, but I also allowed the opinions of others to compromise my own sense of self and self worth…in other words, my love for myself took a big hit in those early years, hits I am still recovering from to this day. The lesson: It truly is not our job to make things right for everyone else. It is our job to strive to do the right thing and then allow all the pieces to fall into place based on the decisions everyone else makes for themselves… including those kids!

Now, after  a lovely weight gain of over 40 pounds and more new hairstyles than I can count on both hands,I can quite proudly say that in the midst of some huge changes our lives have undergone over the past few years, we and most importantly I have reached an important turning point. Love is coming First. Love and the creation of a lifestyle that will work for my husband and myself as we now navigate what our lives will look like together going forward. Hopeful of course that the skids will find the path that leads home to us while out there trudging their own trenches and creating their own vibrant futures.

Finally, peaceful coexistence… internally and externally, and all because… First Comes Love !!

Thank Dog!!

PJ xoxoxoxo

Where would we be today, as families, as communities, as a world, if not for the people who chose not to abide by what studies have shown and instead followed their own minds, hearts and dreams?

Where would we be if Bill Gates hadn’t chosen to buck societal dictates and stayed in University rather than starting a small business called Microsoft? Studies do show that people with a University degree earn higher salaries

Where would we be if any inventor or any visionary ever in history decided to limit themselves because some study showed that the train of thought they were entertaining didn’t have a hope of being successful because it didn’t work for the cross-section of the population that had been sampled for the study?

We would still believe the earth is flat….

As unique as each and every snowflake can ever be, so are the dynamics and personalities within a marriage, a family, a step family. How can we even entertain the idea of limiting our own ingenuity in the creation of solutions specific to our families because some study somewhere done with people completely unrelated to us says things should be a certain way and have a certain outcome?

I believe in science. And in the science behind studies. I believe science to be an excellent guide. I believe in evolution. I believe that as much as our species has evolved, so do we now, each and every minute of each and every day. But I also believe that science sees possibility in evolution. This to me means that even though a study may state results of a particular topic, it must also acknowledge the potential for alternate results.

I have visions of Stepford Wives running through my head as I even ponder entertaining the idea of acquiescing to a predetermined result because a study says that’s the way things should be.

Do we not owe it to the people in our families to explore that which creates possibility for us all? Do we not owe it to ourselves? Do we not, at the very least, deserve some credit for knowing what we’re doing when endeavouring to find the path of least resistance when attempting to meld that which makes us happy and the well-being of others?

Do we want to raise and nurture a generation of study followers who do not think for themselves, or would we prefer to be the instigators of creative original thought that fosters change, encourages courage and supports the path less travelled?

I have always and will for evermore choose to be part of the latter group… knowing full well that we still do need members of the former for perspective (that was for the benefit of the study following comment leaver of course!)

Believe what you want and follow the tenets of your choosing, just do it for you, and not because popular opinion or some study told you to.

Thanks Bunches,

PJ xoxo

It’s interesting too as I have found myself over the years, as challenge reared it’s sometimes ugly head over and over again, contemplating the words of Mother Teresa where she talks about not wanting to attend and Anti-War rally. The flip side of that is, she said that if you’re holding a Peace rally, she’d definitely be there.

The difference to her was this… lending power and energy to the solution rather than the problem. Embrace Peace as a way to abolish war. Don’t give war your energy, give it all to Peace. That would work well in some of our households wouldn’t it

Courage is the solution. Not only for Step Moms facing trying times, but for all of us, young, old, married, alone, affluent or homeless.

Courage is the slogan to adopt.

• Courage to be who we are in a society that likes to have its say, and in loud and aggressive ways.
• Courage to stand up for what’s right even when it means saying we’re wrong.
• Courage to get up each and every day and start again.
• Courage to believe in ourselves…especially when others don’t.
• Courage to change. And to foster change.
• Courage to love….everyone and everything…even your fat thighs!!
• Courage to be loved.
• Courage to start a movement.

Give yourself the opportunity to try this tactic.

Instead of giving power to the problem, focus your energy and attention on the solution. Ask yourself…”What would I do if not facing_________ right now.” And embrace that action.

For example: “If I wasn’t so mad at my SD right now, I’d probably like to take her out for ice cream” So take her out for ice cream, and explain to her that her actions made you angry and not her personally. Show her that people can move past anger, come to a reasonable solution and enjoy each others company during the process.

That takes Courage. That takes GUTS …practise in equal measure for great success

Much LUV,

PJ xoxo